i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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