Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
