I am puke
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
