Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
