On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
