Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
