I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
