I cannot find my penis.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
