I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Randomize
