Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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