i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
