Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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