Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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