Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
