Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
