I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
