Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
