Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
