I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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