His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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