you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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