Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
