my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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