How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
