i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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