just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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