in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
