i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
