I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
