I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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