Can i not drive my cunt home
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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