i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
