the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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