six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
