I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
