"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
