Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
