We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
