your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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