When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
