I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
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You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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