he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
