The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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