Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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