my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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