I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
