Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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