I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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