The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
