I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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