dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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