Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
