Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
