I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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